A toddler bedtime routine works when it’s short, the same every night, and ends with something calm you do together. The AAP’s version fits on a sticky note: brush teeth, read a book, go to bed at the same time (HealthyChildren.org). Everything else is detail you can adjust for your child.

Here’s how to build one for a 2- or 3-year-old, what order the steps go in, what to say when they stall, and what to do when the routine keeps falling apart anyway.

Why the routine matters more than the details

In a large study, researchers surveyed more than 10,000 mothers of children from birth to almost 6, across 13 countries and regions. Children who had a consistent bedtime routine went to bed earlier, fell asleep faster, woke less at night and slept longer, according to their parents. The more nights a week the routine happened, the better the sleep (Mindell et al., Sleep, 2015). It’s a survey, so it shows an association rather than proof.

The authors couldn’t say which parts of the routine matter most. That’s useful to know. The bath is optional. The specific song doesn’t matter. What seems to matter is that it happens, in the same order, most nights.

ZERO TO THREE puts the why simply: when young children can predict what happens next, they feel more secure and more in control (ZERO TO THREE). A toddler who knows that pajamas come before teeth and books come before lights out has less to fight about.

How much sleep 2- to 4-year-olds need

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends, per the CDC:

• Ages 1 to 2: 11 to 14 hours in 24 hours, naps included
• Ages 3 to 5: 10 to 13 hours in 24 hours, naps included

Start from wake-up time, subtract the nap, and count back. If your 2-year-old wakes at 6:30 and naps for two hours, the night stretch should be roughly 9 to 12 hours, so bedtime lands somewhere in the evening you can actually keep.

Then set it and hold it. The AAP’s advice is to pick a regular bedtime and stick to it rather than waiting for yawns and eye-rubbing, and it notes that putting a child down even 15 to 20 minutes earlier can make a big difference (HealthyChildren.org). A lot of bedtime battles are really overtired battles.

A bedtime routine that works for most toddlers

Aim for something you can finish in 20 to 30 minutes. ZERO TO THREE suggests starting to wind down about 30 minutes before bed with slower, quieter games like puzzles, blocks or coloring (ZERO TO THREE). This order puts the stimulating parts first and the quiet parts last:

1. Last active play ends. A clear “last game” helps. The AAP recommends avoiding active play right before bed (HealthyChildren.org).
2. Bath, if it’s a bath night. Not every night needs one.
3. Pajamas. Let them choose between two pairs.
4. Teeth. The “brush” in Brush, Book, Bed.
5. Last potty and last drink. Handle needs before lights out so they don’t become reasons to call you back. The AAP lists water, lights and the door as things to sort out ahead of time (HealthyChildren.org).
6. Books. Two is a good number. The “book.”
7. Song or cuddle. The same one every night.
8. Lights out, with the same goodnight words. The “bed.”

For many kids, a comfort object helps too. The AAP suggests letting your child take a favorite thing to bed each night, like a stuffed animal or blanket, as long as it’s safe for their age (HealthyChildren.org).

A bedtime routine for a 2-year-old

Two-year-olds do best with fewer steps and more doing than talking. You lead, they follow, and each step has something physical in it: pick the pajamas, hold the toothbrush, turn off the big light. Transitions are hard at this age, so give a warning before each one (“Two more splashes, then out”).

Choices help, but keep them to two. “Duck pajamas or star pajamas?” works. “What do you want to wear?” invites a debate.

A bedtime routine for a 3-year-old

Three-year-olds can follow a picture chart of the steps and like checking them off. They also stall with real creativity. This is the age where you’ll hear about a sudden thirst, a sock that feels wrong and an urgent question about sharks. Give them a job they own (choosing the books, turning off the lamp, tucking in a stuffed animal) and a clear end point.

When they stall: “one more” and other classics

ZERO TO THREE calls this out directly: many young children use stalling tactics to delay bedtime, asking for snacks, water and just one more book. The advice is to remind them of the routine matter-of-factly and stick to it (ZERO TO THREE). It also helps to name the feeling before the limit, because going from playing to sleeping really is hard (ZERO TO THREE). Decide the limits in daylight, say them the same way every night, and keep your voice boring.

If you promise a check-in, do it, keep it short, and don’t restart the routine.

If they keep coming out of the room

Walk them back calmly with as few words as possible. For children around 3 and up, one tool with some evidence behind it is the bedtime pass: a card your child can trade for one trip out of the room after lights out, for a hug or a drink. Once it’s used, it’s used. In a small 1999 study with two boys aged 3 and 10, crying and coming out of the room dropped to zero, and parents rated the pass as more acceptable than either ignoring or letting the child sleep in the parents’ bed (Friman et al., 1999). Two children is a tiny study, so treat it as an idea worth trying rather than a guarantee.

When a child calls out after lights out and you know they’re safe and well, the AAP’s view is that you don’t need to go in while they work out how to settle themselves (HealthyChildren.org). Families differ a lot on this, and a child who is scared or unwell is a different situation. What helps in every version is responding the same way each time.

Make the story the anchor

Books usually go last, and for good reason. HealthyChildren.org suggests 10 to 20 minutes of book sharing, TV off, as part of the regular bedtime routine for 2- and 3-year-olds (HealthyChildren.org). Reading is quiet, it’s close, and it has an obvious ending. When the last book closes, everyone knows what comes next.

Let your child pick the books, and expect the same ones over and over. That’s normal and good. ZERO TO THREE notes that hearing a story again and again helps toddlers learn the sound, meaning, rhythm and tone of words (ZERO TO THREE). Some families keep one goodnight book that is always last, which turns it into a signal for sleep.

Stories about the routine itself are especially useful. Toddlers like seeing a character do exactly what they’re about to do, in the same order. Here’s the kind of thing we mean:

An example story

Goodnight, Everybody

Cozy Pencil

Pajamas on. Teeth brushed. Two books picked, one for Pip and one for Wren.

“Now everybody goes to bed,” said Pip.

Duck went in the basket. Goodnight, Duck. Bear went in the basket. Goodnight, Bear. The little wooden train chugged in last. Choo… choo… goodnight, train.

Wren yawned a great big yawn. The lamp glowed low. “Goodnight, everybody,” she whispered. Shh.

It follows the real order of the evening, it repeats one phrase your child can say along with you (“Goodnight, ___”), and it gets quieter as it goes. The toys go to bed first, so the child in the story isn’t the only one being asked to stop. If you want more like it, we wrote three short bedtime stories for 2- and 3-year-olds you can read tonight.

Light, screens and the room

The AAP recommends turning off all screens at least an hour before bedtime and keeping TVs, tablets and phones out of children’s bedrooms at night (HealthyChildren.org). Screens can make it harder to fall asleep in two ways: exciting content keeps kids wound up, and the light itself can interfere with melatonin, the hormone that helps us feel sleepy (AAP). ZERO TO THREE adds that watching TV together doesn’t usually work well as a bedtime routine, because the point of the routine is to help children relax (ZERO TO THREE).

We make a read-aloud picture book app, so we’d rather say this plainly than bury it. For young children the AAP puts print books first: its experts say touchscreens don’t offer the same interactivity and relationship-building as turning the pages of a book together, and that when digital books are used, the back-and-forth between parent and child should come along with them (HealthyChildren.org). If a read-aloud app is part of your book step, ours included, sit with your child and talk about the pictures, keep it early in the book step, and finish with a print book, a song or quiet talk in the dark. Once Upon Us dims a little with every page and stops after the number of stories you set, which helps. It’s still a screen.

For the room itself: dark, fairly quiet, toys put away or covered, and if your child wants a nightlight, a dim one. ZERO TO THREE suggests a nightlight, a hallway light with the door open or a dimmer for children who are scared of the dark (ZERO TO THREE).

When bedtime keeps falling apart

Even a good routine wobbles. A few common reasons:

• Bedtime drifted too late. Overtired toddlers fight harder. Try moving it earlier by 15 to 20 minutes for a week.
• Nap changes. Dropping or shortening a nap shifts the whole evening.
• Something big changed. A move, a new childcare setup or a new baby in the house can upend sleep for a while. Keep the routine as steady as you can and add some extra one-on-one time earlier in the day.
• Big feelings at the end of a long day. Meltdowns at bedtime are common. Our post on toddler big feelings has words that help in the moment.
• Potty training. A new skill can mean more trips and more stalling for a few weeks. Build the last potty into the routine, before books. (More in our guide to potty training books.)

Give any change about a week before you judge it. Toddlers test a new rule hardest right after you introduce it.

When to talk to your pediatrician

Mention it at a visit if bedtime is a nightly struggle for weeks despite a steady routine, or if your child wakes often at night and is tired during the day. HealthyChildren.org lists frequent snoring, problems breathing during the night, daytime sleepiness, trouble paying attention and behavior problems as possible signs of sleep apnea, and says to let your pediatrician know right away if you notice them (HealthyChildren.org).

Sources

• Brush, Book, Bed: How to Structure Your Child’s Nighttime Routine, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Toddler Bedtime Trouble: 7 Tips for Parents, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Healthy Sleep Habits: How Many Hours Does Your Child Need?, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• About Sleep, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
• Screen Time Affecting Sleep, American Academy of Pediatrics
• How to Share Books with Children 2 and 3 Years Old, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Beyond Literacy: Shared Reading Starting at Birth Offers Lifelong Benefits, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Sleep Challenges: Why It Happens, What to Do, ZERO TO THREE
• Sleep Struggles? We’ve Got Resources, ZERO TO THREE
• From Baby to Big Kid: Month 32, ZERO TO THREE
• Supporting Language and Literacy Skills from 12–24 Months, ZERO TO THREE
• Bedtime Routines for Young Children: A Dose-Dependent Association with Sleep Outcomes, Mindell et al., Sleep (2015)
• The Bedtime Pass: An Approach to Bedtime Crying and Leaving the Room, Friman et al., Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine (1999)
• Sleep Apnea in Children: Detection & Treatment, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)

A good AI bedtime story app or personalized book keeps your child’s photos private and deletable, draws your child the same way on every page, says plainly that AI made it, and reads well in a dim room at the end of a long day. Most of the difference between products is in those four things, and you can check all of them before you upload a single photo.

This is the list we’d want a friend to hand us. It covers the three kinds of personalized books you’ll find, then the questions worth asking about each.

Three kinds of personalized books

Printed personalized books

You type your child’s name and build an avatar: hair, skin tone, sometimes glasses or freckles. The story is a template with your child’s name dropped in, printed and mailed. A few use a photo to shape the avatar.

AI story apps

You pick a theme or type a prompt (“a dragon who is scared of the dark”) and the app writes a story, often with generic art and a read-aloud voice. Your child’s name may be in it. Their face usually isn’t.

AI picture books from photos

You upload photos and the app draws your child into an illustrated story. Some add a lesson, some read aloud, some can be printed.

The more personal the input, the more the rest of this list matters. A name is one thing. A folder of photos of your two-year-old is another.

1. Where the photos go, and whether you can delete them

Photos of children are about as personal as data gets. A survey by Ireland’s Data Protection Commission and France’s CNIL found that three in four parents had shared content about their children online in the past year, and that most of them worried the images could be misused by strangers (Irish Examiner). Leaks do happen. In February 2026, an AI image app turned out to have left its cloud storage open with no authentication, and 1.5 million photos its users had uploaded were exposed (PetaPixel).

Before you upload, find these answers in the privacy policy or FAQ:

• Who can see the photos and the finished books. It should be your family and no one else, with no public gallery or “featured stories” unless you opt in.
• Which AI companies receive them. Small apps rarely run their own models, so your photos usually travel to a third-party AI provider. A trustworthy app names them.
• Whether anything is used to train AI. You want a plain “no” that covers both the app and the providers it sends photos to.
• What you can delete yourself: one photo, one child, one book, or everything at once, from inside the app and without emailing support.
• How long source photos are kept. Some services delete them once the book or the character drawing is made. Keeping less is safer.

2. What COPPA covers, and what it doesn’t

It’s easy to assume the US children’s privacy law protects anything involving your kids. It’s narrower than that. The FTC explains that COPPA “only covers information collected online from children” under 13, and “does not cover information collected from adults that pertain to children” (FTC COPPA FAQ). Photos you upload as a parent fall in the second group. For those, the app’s own promises are what you’re relying on, so read them.

COPPA does come into play when a service collects information from your child directly, and that includes their voice. If an app listens for your toddler saying “again!”, the FTC’s position is that it can use the recording as a stand-in for typed words only if it deletes it right after (FTC policy statement on audio). Ask any voice-controlled story app whether it keeps recordings. The answer should be no.

For services that are covered, the FTC’s guide for parents says you should get a plain-language notice before anything is collected, and you can review your child’s information, withdraw consent and have it deleted at any time (FTC consumer advice). This is a summary for parents, not legal advice.

3. Whether your child still looks like your child on page six

A picture book about your kid only works if your kid recognizes themselves on every page. This is where personalized books most often fall short. In public reviews of photo-based books, parents describe a child who looks pasted into the scene or changes from page to page, and reviews of avatar-based books mention skin tones and hairstyles that came out wrong.

What to check before paying:

• Look at a full sample book, or preview every page of yours, not just the cover.
• Find the same child on several pages and in different scenes. Faces, hair texture, eye color and skin tone should hold steady.
• If you have two kids, make sure they don’t blur into each other.
• Ask how the service keeps a child consistent. “Our AI is very good” isn’t an answer.

Here’s what consistency looks like when it works. Pip and Wren are made up, drawn from a written description, and this short story switches art styles between pages on purpose.

An example story

Pip, Wren and the Blackberry Lane

Hedgerow

Down the lane, the blackberries were ready. Pip picked the high ones. Wren picked the low ones. “One for the basket,” said Pip. “One for me,” said Wren.

When the sky turned blue-black, the basket was full and so were two tummies. The fireflies came out to see. “Goodnight, berries,” whispered Wren.

The first page is Hedgerow, the second Moonlit. Same curls, same cheeks, same orange shirt and yellow raincoat. That’s the standard to hold any product to, whatever style it paints in. You can see more styles on the landing page.

4. Whether it’s labeled as AI, and whether you can check it

Researchers at NC State asked parents and children about AI illustrations in children’s stories. Parents “preferred a clear notification on the cover of the story making clear whether AI had been used”, worried about pictures that could show unsafe behavior, and children were quicker than adults to notice when a picture’s emotion didn’t match the words (NC State).

Guardrails also leak. When Common Sense Media tested AI toy companions, a different product but the same kind of technology, 27% of the toys’ responses were inappropriate for kids (Common Sense Media).

So look for:

• An AI label on the book itself, not only in the terms of service.
• A way to read or flip through every book before your child sees it.
• A way to fix a single page or picture without starting over.
• Written rules for what pictures may show. For toddlers that means children fully dressed, no bath or bathroom scenes, nothing frightening.

5. How it behaves at bedtime

The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests turning off all screens at least an hour before bedtime and keeping them out of children’s bedrooms (HealthyChildren.org). Its “Brush, Book, Bed” routine is simple: brush teeth, read a favorite book or two together, and go to bed at a regular time (HealthyChildren.org). The AAP also notes that toddlers learn more from media when an adult watches with them, asks questions and helps connect the story to the child’s own life (AAP).

Any story app used at bedtime runs up against that advice. We think the right way to use one is side by side, the way you’d share a picture book, and to print the stories they ask for most. On the app itself, check for:

• Narration at a slow, calm pace, with pages that turn on their own so nobody has to hold the phone.
• A screen that gets dimmer and warmer as the story goes on, not brighter.
• A nightly limit, so the last story is the last story.
• No ads, no autoplay into the next thing, and no purchases inside the book.

If you’re building the rest of the evening, our toddler bedtime routine guide goes step by step, and there are short bedtime stories for 2- and 3-year-olds you can read tonight.

6. Whether the lesson is shown or told

Many personalized books promise a lesson. The good ones put it in the plot. A character feels the urge to grab, stops, and pats gently instead, and something nice happens because of it. The weak ones add a moral paragraph at the end.

One study gives a hint about why the “who” matters too. Researchers at the University of Toronto read 4- to 6-year-olds a story about sharing. Children who heard the version with human characters shared more stickers afterward. Children who heard the same story told with animal characters shared less (Neuroscience News summary; Larsen, Lee and Ganea, Developmental Science). That study didn’t test personalized books, so don’t lean on it too hard. It does suggest kids take more from characters they see as like themselves.

Check whether you can choose the lesson you’re working on this month, and read a sample to see whether it’s acted out or tacked on. Our posts on gentle hands and sharing show what the shown version looks like.

7. Price and renewals

Before you start a free trial, find out whether it turns into a paid plan on its own, when it renews, and what counts as one book. Re-reading a book you already made shouldn’t cost anything. If you subscribe through an iPhone app, Apple’s steps to cancel a subscription are short. Set a reminder the day you sign up.

How Once Upon Us answers this list

We’re building Once Upon Us, so here is where it stands, briefly.

Photos, character drawings, pages and narration sit in private storage and are only shown to your signed-in family. We don’t train AI on your family, and the AI services we use don’t train on what we send them through their business APIs. We name them: Claude, by Anthropic, writes the stories, and OpenAI’s models paint and narrate them. Voice is off until you switch it on, and the audio is never recorded or kept. You can delete any photo, person or story, and “Delete everything” wipes it all at once.

Each child is drawn once per art style as a character sheet, and every page is painted with those sheets in hand. Pictures are asked to be safe for a two-year-old: fully dressed, no bath or bathroom scenes, nothing scary. We say plainly that the stories are written, illustrated and narrated with AI. The books read aloud, turn their own pages and dim toward goodnight.

It isn’t for sale yet. We’re opening early access a few families at a time, pricing isn’t final, and it isn’t on the App Store yet. More on privacy and bedtime mode.

Sources

• Complying with COPPA: Frequently Asked Questions, Federal Trade Commission
• Enforcement Policy Statement Regarding the Applicability of the COPPA Rule to the Collection and Use of Voice Recordings, Federal Trade Commission
• Protecting Your Child’s Privacy Online, FTC Consumer Advice
• Three in four parents share children’s photos online despite privacy fears, DPC survey finds, Irish Examiner
• AI Image App Leaks 1.5 Million User-Generated Photos, PetaPixel
• How Parents and Kids Really Feel About AI-Generated Images in Children’s Books, NC State University
• Common Sense Media Warns Against AI Toy Companions After Research Reveals Safety Risks, Common Sense Media
• Healthy Sleep Habits: How Many Hours Does Your Child Need?, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Brush, Book, Bed: How to Structure Your Child’s Nighttime Routine, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Preferred Method of Screen Time/Selecting Best Shows/Games for Toddlers, American Academy of Pediatrics
• Do storybooks with anthropomorphized animal characters promote prosocial behaviors in young children?, Larsen, Lee and Ganea, Developmental Science
• Human Characters, Not Animals, Teach Children Best Moral Lessons, Neuroscience News
• Cancel a subscription from Apple, Apple Support

A new baby is about the biggest change a 2- or 3-year-old can go through, and books are one of the easiest ways to get them ready. Zero to Three, the early childhood nonprofit, recommends sharing stories about new babies because they help a first child understand what’s happening and what’s coming (Zero to Three).

The best big sister and big brother books are honest. They show that babies cry, sleep a lot and need feeding, that the big kid still gets loved, and that mixed feelings are allowed. Below are eleven we’d reach for, sorted by when to read them. After the list: how to prepare a toddler for the baby, what usually happens once the baby is home, and some words that help.

Big sister and big brother books, by when to read them

Ages are a rough guide. A book that’s a little old for your child can still work if you shorten it as you read.

Before the baby comes

• Waiting for Baby by Rachel Fuller. A short, simple book with matter-of-fact explanations of what getting ready for a sibling looks like. Good for the youngest listeners.
• There’s Going to Be a Baby by John Burningham, illustrated by Helen Oxenbury. A young boy imagines what life will be like once his sibling arrives, and the book makes room for his questions and doubts as well as his excitement. Best for 3 and up.

Once the baby is home

• My New Baby by Rachel Fuller. The companion to Waiting for Baby, showing everyday life with a newborn from a toddler’s point of view in very simple language.
• I’m a Big Sister and I’m a Big Brother by Joanna Cole, illustrated by Rosalinda Kightley. Two versions of the same book: the big kid lists what’s fun about the new baby and what’s good about already being big. A steady favorite for 2- to 4-year-olds.
• Big Brother Daniel by Angela C. Santomero. Daniel Tiger helps out with the new baby, in simple words. If your child already knows the show, this one tends to get asked for.
• Lola Reads to Leo by Anna McQuinn. Lola reads stories to her new baby brother, and even though her parents are busy, they still read to her at bedtime. It quietly makes the point that the big kid’s time hasn’t disappeared.
• The New Baby by Mercer Mayer. Little Critter finds that a new baby takes some getting used to. Best for 3 to 5.

For the harder feelings

• Peter’s Chair by Ezra Jack Keats. Peter’s old blue furniture is being painted pink for his new sister, so he rescues his chair and runs away with it. A gentle classic for 3 and up about feeling replaced.
• A Baby Sister for Frances by Russell Hoban. Things change at home after the baby arrives, so Frances decides to run away, but not very far. Good for 3 to 6.
• Julius, the Baby of the World by Kevin Henkes. Lilly is sure her baby brother is the worst thing that ever happened, until a cousin is rude about him. Funny and honest about jealousy, and best from about 4.

For reassurance

• You Were the First by Patricia MacLachlan. A reminder to firstborns that they did everything first, including teaching their parents how to be parents. A nice one to read just to the older child.

Zero to Three keeps a longer list, sorted the same way, if you want more (Becoming a Big Sister/Brother: Stories to Share).

How to prepare a toddler for a new baby

Books help, but what does the most is the daily stuff: a predictable routine, honest answers, and time alone with you.

When to tell them

Toddlers live in the present. KidsHealth points out that preschoolers may not grasp concepts of time, so “in a few months” doesn’t mean much. It suggests linking the arrival to a season instead, like winter or “when it’s cold outside” (KidsHealth). The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests bringing the baby up in natural moments, such as shopping for baby clothes or setting up the nursery, and even for 1- and 2-year-olds, mentioning it early so they get used to the idea (HealthyChildren.org).

For most families that means talking about it casually once the pregnancy is visible or the nursery starts to take shape, then returning to it often in small doses.

Tell the truth about babies

The AAP’s advice is to be honest: the baby will be cute, but will also cry and take a lot of your time (HealthyChildren.org). Toddlers often picture a playmate. A newborn who mostly sleeps and cries can be a letdown if nobody warned them.

Two things that help:

• Look at your child’s own baby photos together. “This was you. You were this small. You cried too, and we fed you and held you.”
• Visit a friend with a newborn if you can, so the real thing isn’t a surprise.

Move big changes out of the way

Both the AAP and KidsHealth suggest timing major transitions, like potty training or moving from a crib to a bed, well before the due date or a while after the baby has settled in (HealthyChildren.org, KidsHealth). A toddler who loses their crib and gains a sibling in the same week can easily connect the two.

Give them a real job

Let them pick a baby outfit, choose a toy for the baby, or help put the crib sheet on. After the birth, simple jobs like fetching a diaper or picking which song to sing keep them in the middle of things. Zero to Three adds one important detail: helping should be an invitation, not a requirement. “It’s okay if you don’t want to help right now” keeps the job feeling good (Zero to Three).

What to expect after the baby arrives

Some backsliding

Accidents after potty training, baby talk, asking for a bottle or wanting to be carried again are all common. The AAP says this is normal and is “your older child’s way of making sure they still have your love” (HealthyChildren.org). Zero to Three’s advice is to stay matter-of-fact rather than shaming them, because meeting the need underneath usually helps them move on faster (Zero to Three). If potty learning was recent, expect a few wobbles (our potty training books guide has ideas for getting back on track).

Mixed feelings

Excitement about a baby “someday” often turns into something more complicated once the baby is real and needs you all the time. Name the feeling without trying to fix it. Zero to Three offers a line like “It is so hard to wait while I feed your sister,” followed by a small plan for what you’ll do together after (Zero to Three). If the feelings come out as tears or tantrums, our guide to toddler big feelings has more on helping them put words to it.

Rough hands

Squeezing too hard, poking, or a swat at the baby is common and doesn’t mean your child is unkind. Zero to Three suggests calmly taking hold of their hands and showing the gentle way, and framing the limit around the rule rather than the baby, since “you have to protect the baby” can feed rivalry (Zero to Three). For scripts and what to do when hitting keeps happening, see gentle hands: how to stop a toddler from hitting.

Time that belongs to them

Both the AAP and Zero to Three recommend daily one-on-one time with the older child, even a short stretch, with the baby somewhere else (HealthyChildren.org, Zero to Three). Name it so they can count on it: “This is our time. The baby is with Dad.”

Words that help

Avoid anything that makes the baby the reason for a no, like “Be quiet, you’ll wake the baby” said every hour. Where you can, say what’s happening instead: “The baby is sleeping. Let’s use whisper voices, then we’ll be loud outside.”

A story to rehearse being a big sibling

Books about other families are a good start. A story where your own child is the big sibling is even more direct, because they get to see themselves doing the helping. Here’s a short example starring two made-up kids, Pip (3) and Wren (2), and their new baby brother.

An example story

Pip, Wren and Baby Otto

Cozy Pencil

Baby Otto came home in a blue blanket. He was very small. “Waa! Waa!” said Otto. “He’s cold,” said Papa. Zoom! Pip ran for the yellow blanket. Wren brought the soft duck. Helper hands!

Otto grabbed Pip’s finger. Squeeze! “He likes me,” Pip whispered. Wren patted Otto’s head, soft as a feather. Pat, pat. Helper hands, gentle hands. That night Otto slept, and Mama read one more story, just for Pip and Wren.

The story shows the helping instead of explaining it, and there’s a repeatable phrase (“helper hands”) a toddler can say out loud the next day. It also ends with the big kids getting a story of their own, a small reminder that their time with you hasn’t gone away. Once Upon Us can weave this kind of lesson into a picture book made from your family’s own photos (see how lessons work), but a homemade version works too: a few phone photos of your child with the baby, a sentence under each, stapled together. Our guide to writing a social story walks through how.

Sources

• Becoming a Big Sister/Brother: Stories to Share, Zero to Three
• “When Is He Going Back in Your Belly?” How to Help Older Siblings Adjust to the New Baby, Zero to Three
• Preparing Your Older Child for a New Baby: How to Help Siblings Adjust, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Preparing Your Child for a New Sibling, KidsHealth from Nemours
• Book details checked against Open Library catalog records

Most toddlers hit at some point. Usually a big feeling has shown up before the words and the self-control to handle it. What helps is the same small routine, repeated many times: stop the hand calmly, say one short line, give those hands something else to do, and practice gentle hands later, when nobody is upset.

It’s slow. It also teaches your child what to do instead of only what to stop, which is the part that sticks.

Why toddlers hit

A toddler’s feelings run ahead of their language. ZERO TO THREE, the early-childhood nonprofit, describes toddlers as relying on their actions to “tell” us what they’re thinking and feeling, and notes that aggressive behavior like hitting, biting and pushing tends to peak between 12 and 24 months, when feelings are strong and words are few (ZERO TO THREE).

Knowing the rule isn’t the same as being able to follow it. Between 2 and 3, children start to understand what’s acceptable, but they “still do not have the full ability to stop themselves from doing something, even though they have been told it is unacceptable” (ZERO TO THREE). So when your 2-year-old swats a sibling and then looks right at you, it isn’t always defiance. The impulse simply won that round.

Some things make hitting more likely. Hunger and tiredness are the big two (the AAP suggests carrying a snack and protecting naps when tantrums cluster around them, HealthyChildren.org). Transitions, crowded play and a sibling grabbing a toy are the other usual suspects. It helps to notice when your child hits. Often there’s a pattern: right before dinner, at pickup, when the baby cries.

What to expect at 2, 3 and 4

Knowing what’s typical makes it easier to stay calm.

• Around 2, many children notice when someone else is hurt or upset and look at your face to see how to react (CDC). Empathy is starting, but control isn’t there yet. They are watching how you respond.
• Around 2½, children play next to other kids and only sometimes with them (CDC). Shared space and shared toys are new, and that’s where many hits happen.
• By 4, many children comfort someone who is hurt or sad, like hugging a crying friend (CDC).

In between is a lot of practice. ZERO TO THREE puts it plainly: it takes thousands of repetitions, hearing the words together with the actions, before the words alone will work (ZERO TO THREE). If you’ve said “gentle hands” two hundred times this month, you are on schedule.

What to do in the moment

1. Stop the hand, calmly

Block the hit, hold your child’s hands, or move one child away. When one child is hitting another, the AAP’s advice is to pull the children apart and keep them separate until they’ve calmed down (HealthyChildren.org). ZERO TO THREE suggests pairing a firm, matter-of-fact “No hitting, hitting hurts” with gently holding the hand, and staying calm yourself, because a calm adult helps a child settle faster (ZERO TO THREE).

Say it once, quietly. A long explanation mid-meltdown doesn’t land, and a big reaction can make hitting more interesting.

2. Name the feeling in a few words

Your child needs to hear that the feeling is allowed even though the hit isn’t. Keep it short.

3. Give the hands a job

“Stop hitting” leaves a toddler with a body full of mad and nowhere to put it. Offer something physical instead. ZERO TO THREE’s suggestions include jumping up and down, hitting the sofa cushions and throwing soft balls (ZERO TO THREE).

4. Turn to the child who got hit

If a sibling or friend was hit, comfort them out loud: “Ouch, that hurt. Are you okay?” Your toddler sees what care looks like, and the one who was hit gets your attention first.

What to skip

• Don’t hit back or spank. The AAP advises that parents should not spank or hit children, and notes that spanking tends to increase aggression and anger rather than teach self-control (HealthyChildren.org). Tapping a hand “so they know how it feels” teaches that bigger people hit.
• Skip threats. “Stop it or else” works less well than showing what to do instead (HealthyChildren.org).
• Keep time-outs rare. The AAP’s tips for preventing aggression say to use them sparingly, as a last resort (HealthyChildren.org). ZERO TO THREE suggests a “cozy corner” instead, a soft spot with pillows and books where a child can settle (ZERO TO THREE). For a 2-year-old, that usually works best with you sitting nearby.

Teach gentle hands when everyone is calm

Most of the teaching happens outside the hard moment, when your child can take it in.

Show what gentle hands look like. Pat a stuffed animal together, softly. Stroke the dog’s back, slowly. Trade high fives, then “gentle fives.” Give it a phrase you’ll use every time. We like “gentle hands, soft as a bunny,” but any short, singsong line works if you stick with it.

Catch them being gentle. The AAP recommends noticing good behavior and praising it specifically (HealthyChildren.org). “You patted Wren so softly. Look how happy she is” teaches more than a general “good job.”

Say the family rule the same way every time. One of the AAP’s tips is a simple, consistent rule: “We don’t hurt each other” (HealthyChildren.org).

Plan around the triggers you’ve noticed. A snack before the playground. A heads-up before it’s time to leave, which ZERO TO THREE recommends for transitions (ZERO TO THREE). Closer supervision when siblings share one toy. If toy fights are behind most of the hitting, our guide to teaching a toddler to share has scripts for those.

Read about it. Hands Are Not for Hitting by Martine Agassi, illustrated by Marieka Heinlen, is the book many families reach for. It’s part of Free Spirit Publishing’s Best Behavior series, comes as a board book for the youngest readers, and focuses on all the good things hands can do (Free Spirit). Karen Katz’s lift-the-flap No Hitting! and Cheryl Willis Hudson’s Hands Can are two more short reads for toddlers.

Rehearse it at bedtime, in a story

Bedtime is a good time for practice. Everyone is calm, your child is curled up next to you, and a story lets them watch someone their size get it right.

There’s some early evidence that this helps. In a 2023 study in PLOS One, three-year-olds read a picture book in which a child distracted herself with toys while waiting for something she wanted. When the book was read interactively, and after the researchers accounted for how much picture-book experience each child had, the children used distraction more in a later waiting task than children who read an unrelated book (Schoppmann et al., PLOS One). It’s one small study about waiting, not hitting, so hold it loosely. The idea behind it is simple, though: a phrase your child has heard in a calm story is one they can reach for in a hard moment.

A story that helps with hitting has a few parts: the mad feeling shows up, the character pauses and does something physical instead, the same short phrase comes back each time, and the gentle choice pays off in a way a toddler cares about. Here’s a short one starring two made-up kids, Pip (3) and his sister Wren (2):

An example story

Pip and the Wobbly Tower

Cozy Pencil

Pip built a tower. Up, up, up it went! Wren wanted it. Her face got hot. Her hand went up, up, up, ready to swat. Whoosh!

But Wren stopped. She squeezed her hands tight. Squeeeeze. Then she opened them, soft and slow.

Pat, pat, pat, on Pip’s arm. “Gentle hands, soft as a bunny,” said Pip. “Want to put the top block on?”

Wren set the red block on top. Wobble, wobble... it stayed! Two builders, four gentle hands, and one very tall tower.

The hit almost happens, so your child recognizes the feeling. The pause is something a body can do (squeeze, then open). The phrase repeats, and the gentle choice gets a real reward: a turn, and a tower that stays up. Afterward, ask “What did Wren’s hands do?” and let your child show you. Once Upon Us can write this kind of story around your own kids and a real day from your photos, with gentle hands woven in as the lesson.

When to talk to your pediatrician

Hitting on its own, at 2 or 3, is common. The AAP suggests talking to your pediatrician if your child seems unusually aggressive for more than a few weeks and you can’t manage it on your own, or if there are warning signs like injuries (teeth marks, bruises), attacks on adults, being sent home or barred from play by neighbors or school, or your own fear for the safety of the people around your child (HealthyChildren.org). ZERO TO THREE adds hitting that seems to come out of nowhere, very reckless behavior, a preoccupation with aggressive play, or aggression that’s getting in the way of learning and relationships (ZERO TO THREE).

It’s also worth raising if you’re worried about how your child is talking or understanding. The CDC’s free milestone checklists are a good way to bring specifics to the appointment (CDC). A lot of hitting is frustration at not being understood, and it often eases as words come in. For more on that side, see our guide to toddler big feelings and tantrums.

Sources

• Aggressive Behavior in Toddlers, ZERO TO THREE
• Helping Toddlers Develop Self-Control From 24–36 Months, ZERO TO THREE
• 10 Tips to Prevent Aggressive Behavior in Young Children, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• What’s the Best Way to Discipline My Child?, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Top Tips for Surviving Tantrums, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Milestones by 2 years, 30 months and 4 years, CDC Learn the Signs. Act Early.
• The effect of picture book reading on young children’s use of an emotion regulation strategy, Schoppmann, Severin, Schneider and Seehagen, PLOS One (2023)
• Hands Are Not for Hitting, Martine Agassi and Marieka Heinlen, Free Spirit Publishing

If your 2-year-old won’t share, that’s on schedule. ZERO TO THREE points out that many parents expect sharing by age 2, when the skills develop between about 3½ and 4 years old (ZERO TO THREE). Until then, the thing to teach is taking turns. A turn has a clear start and a clear end, and a toddler can see both.

This guide covers why sharing is hard at this age, what to say when two children want the same toy, how to set up play so there are fewer fights, and how to practice turns in a story.

Why sharing is so hard for toddlers

Sharing asks a lot of a small brain. You have to imagine how the other child feels, trust that the toy will come back, and hold back the urge to grab it. Toddlers are still working on all three.

ZERO TO THREE notes that children under 2 are only beginning to understand that other people have their own thoughts and feelings, and that the part of the brain that controls impulses doesn’t really kick in until between ages 3 and 4 (ZERO TO THREE). So “Just give her a turn” is a big request of someone who can’t picture her face yet and can’t stop his own hand.

There’s also the matter of time. To a 2-year-old, “share” can sound like “give it away forever.” ZERO TO THREE warns that if children don’t get enough time with a toy before giving it up, they may come to see sharing as never getting to really play with anything (ZERO TO THREE). No wonder they hang on.

What to expect at 2, 3 and 4

• Around 2½, children play next to other children and sometimes with them (CDC). Two toddlers on one rug with one dump truck is a hard setup at this age.
• Around 3, children notice other kids and join them to play (CDC). The AAP notes that three-year-olds can start working out disputes by taking turns or trading toys, with a grown-up encouraging them to use words (HealthyChildren.org).
• Around 4, children ask to play with other kids and comfort friends who are upset (CDC). Sharing gets easier because they can finally imagine how the other child feels.

Why taking turns comes first

“Share” is abstract. “Your turn, then my turn” is concrete. A turn has an end, so the child giving something up knows it’s coming back, and the child waiting knows the wait will end.

You can practice turns long before anyone fights over a toy. ZERO TO THREE suggests building it into ordinary play: your child puts a block on the tower, then you add one; you take turns at clean-up time; you take turns turning the pages of a book (ZERO TO THREE). Say it out loud each time, “My turn... your turn!”, so the words become familiar before they’re needed in a hard moment.

What to do when two toddlers want the same toy

1. Stop the grab and slow things down

Step in close and stop the grabbing or hitting in a calm, low voice. ZERO TO THREE suggests something as simple as “I can’t let you hit” or “No grabbing,” and then describing what’s happening so everyone slows down, like “Two children who both want the same trains!” (ZERO TO THREE).

If hands are already flying, our guide to gentle hands and toddler hitting has scripts for that part.

2. Protect the turn instead of forcing a handover

It’s tempting to take the toy and hand it over, but that teaches that whoever complains loudest wins it. Let the child who has it finish a reasonable turn. ZERO TO THREE recommends long turns, with the waiting child offered something else to do (ZERO TO THREE).

3. Let a timer be the referee

Young children don’t have a sense of time yet. ZERO TO THREE calls a timer “a helpful rule-keeper,” because the bell decides when the turn is over instead of a grown-up (ZERO TO THREE). A kitchen timer, a sand timer or a song all work.

4. Give them the words

The AAP suggests telling children to “use your words” to solve problems instead of acting out (HealthyChildren.org). Toddlers need you to supply the words first. Keep them short and say them the same way every time.

5. Point out the handoff

When a turn gets passed along, even with your help, notice it. ZERO TO THREE suggests commenting when children cooperate, like “I like how you gave Ellie the doll” (ZERO TO THREE). Point to the other child’s face: “You gave Wren a turn. Look how happy she is.”

Set up play so there’s less to fight about

A few changes to the room do a lot of the work.

• Put special toys away first. Before a friend comes over, let your child pick a few treasures that don’t have to be shared, and put them away (ZERO TO THREE).
• Double up. Put out several of the same kinds of toys so there’s enough for everyone: two shovels, two buckets, a pile of blocks (ZERO TO THREE).
• Choose side-by-side play. Art, water and sand let children play next to each other without much turn-taking (ZERO TO THREE).
• Watch the clock. Hungry, tired toddlers share worse. A snack before the playdate is worth it.

With siblings, the same toy fight can happen twenty times a day. It can help to give each child a small shelf of “mine” toys and treat everything else as turn-taking toys. If a new baby is part of the picture, see our guide to big sister and big brother books.

Books about sharing and taking turns

Picture books give you a shared language for this. A few that work for toddlers and preschoolers:

• Llama Llama Time to Share by Anna Dewdney. Llama Llama is not happy about sharing his toys when his new neighbor, Nelly Gnu, comes over to play (Penguin Random House).
• Sharing Time by Elizabeth Verdick, illustrated by Marieka Heinlen. A board book in Free Spirit’s Toddler Tools series that offers simple choices like taking turns, using a toy together, or waiting (Elizabeth Verdick).
• Should I Share My Ice Cream? by Mo Willems. Gerald the elephant debates sharing with Piggie for so long that his ice cream melts. Best for 3s and 4s.
• The Doorbell Rang by Pat Hutchins. The cookies have to be split again every time more friends arrive.

Practice turns in a story

A story lets your child watch someone their size wait for a turn and get it, without a real toy on the line. In a 2023 study, three-year-olds who were read a picture book, interactively, about a child who kept herself busy with toys while waiting used that strategy more in a later waiting task than children who read an unrelated book (the effect showed up once the researchers accounted for how much picture-book experience each child had) (Schoppmann et al., PLOS One). It’s one small study, but waiting is most of what taking turns is.

Here’s a short one starring two made-up kids, Pip (3) and his sister Wren (2):

An example story

The Little Red Wagon

Sunlit Gouache

Pip had the red wagon. Rattle, rattle, round the path! “My turn!” said Wren. “Pip is using it,” said Grandma. She gave Wren the little sand timer. “When the sand runs out, it’s your turn.”

Wren watched the sand. Trickle, trickle. She counted the ducks. One, two, three.

The sand ran out! Pip passed the handle. “Your turn, Wren!” Rattle, rattle, round she went, and Pip clapped all the way. My turn, your turn, round and round. The wagon had room for everyone.

The story shows waiting instead of saying “be patient.” The timer, not a grown-up, decides when the turn ends. Wren has something to do while she waits (the ducks), the turn comes when it was promised, and “my turn, your turn” gives your child a line to say at the park. Once Upon Us can write a story like this about your own kids and a real afternoon from your photos, with taking turns or sharing chosen as the lesson.

When to check in with your pediatrician

Struggling to share at 2 or 3 is normal and isn’t a reason to worry on its own. If your child isn’t showing interest in other children by around 3, or if grabbing turns into frequent hitting or biting that doesn’t ease over a few weeks, mention it at your next visit. The CDC’s milestone checklists are a simple way to bring specifics (CDC). And if the grabbing comes with big meltdowns, our guide to toddler big feelings and tantrums may help.

Sources

• Helping Young Children With Sharing, ZERO TO THREE
• Tuning In: Supporting Sharing, ZERO TO THREE
• Social Development in Preschoolers: Learning How to Share & Cooperate, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Milestones by 30 months, 3 years and 4 years, CDC Learn the Signs. Act Early.
• The effect of picture book reading on young children’s use of an emotion regulation strategy, Schoppmann, Severin, Schneider and Seehagen, PLOS One (2023)
• Sharing Time, Elizabeth Verdick

A social story is a short, simple story that tells your child what is going to happen, how people might feel, and what they can do. You write it about one real situation, like a dentist visit, a new baby or the first day at daycare, in words your child understands, ideally with photos of the real places and people. Then you read it together a few times before the day comes.

For a toddler, a good social story is a handful of pages, mostly describing, with only one or two “I can” sentences. Below is how to write one step by step, why the sentence mix matters, a complete example about going to the dentist, and an honest look at what the research says.

What a social story is

Carol Gray developed Social Stories in 1990 while working as a teacher in Jenison, Michigan (Carol Gray). Social Stories is her trademarked name for the format, and her own definition is careful: each story “accurately describes a personally relevant topic (often a context, skill, achievement, or concept)” according to ten defining criteria (Carol Gray). She designed them for autistic children, and they’re still widely used in autism support and in schools (Hanrahan et al.).

The same idea works for many young children. A parent guide from the National Center for Pyramid Model Innovations, funded by the U.S. Department of Education, describes social stories as brief, simple stories that show a child “what to expect, and what is expected of him,” and suggests them to (NCPMI):

• teach social skills, like taking turns
• set clear expectations for a time of day or an event, like quiet time or a road trip
• reinforce routines, like getting ready for bed
• prepare for new experiences, like the first day of school
• address a challenging behavior, like hitting

What makes a social story different from a regular picture book is that it’s about your child’s actual situation. The dentist in the story is the dentist they’ll see. The chair tips back because the real chair tips back. Nothing in it should turn out to be untrue.

The sentence types that make it work

Gray’s approach mixes a few kinds of sentences. The names vary a little between guides; these four are the core:

• Descriptive sentences state facts, free of opinion. “The dentist’s office has a big chair.”
• Perspective sentences describe feelings and thoughts, the child’s or someone else’s. “Sometimes the light feels bright.” “Mama feels proud.”
• Coaching sentences (often called directive sentences) say, in positive terms, what the child can do. They often start with “I can” or “I can try.” “I can hold Bun-bun.”
• Affirmative sentences add reassurance or a shared value. “The dentist helps keep teeth strong.”

The most important rule is balance: a social story describes much more than it directs. Gray’s criteria set a minimum of two describing sentences for every coaching sentence (Hanrahan et al.), and a UK National Health Service guide suggests aiming closer to five (NHS). A story that’s all “I will sit still, I will not cry” is a list of rules, and toddlers tune those out.

A few more guidelines from the same sources:

• Keep the tone positive and patient. Say what to do, not what not to do (Hanrahan et al., NHS).
• Use first or third person. Gray’s criteria allow either (Hanrahan et al.). For a toddler, first person (“I go to the dentist”) is usually easiest to follow.
• Leave room for things to vary. Words like “sometimes” and “usually” keep the story true even if the day goes differently (NHS).
• Tense can match the situation. Present or future tense suits an event that hasn’t happened yet (Hanrahan et al.).

How to write a social story in six steps

1. Pick one situation. One visit, one routine, one behavior. “Going to the dentist,” not “being good.”
2. Gather the details. Where it happens, who will be there, how long it takes, what happens first and last, and any words that tend to worry your child (NHS). If you can, call ahead or look at the place’s photos online.
3. Write short pages in your child’s voice. One idea per page, one or two sentences each. Use the words your child uses: “Bun-bun,” not “your stuffed animal.”
4. Add real pictures. The parent guide above notes that social stories can include pictures of your child (NCPMI). Photos of the real building, the real room and your child are the most concrete. Simple drawings work if you don’t have photos.
5. Read it before the day, more than once. Read it at a calm time, like after lunch or at bedtime, a few days in a row. The point is to make the new situation familiar before your child is expected to handle it (NCPMI).
6. Watch and adjust. If a page makes your child anxious, change it. If they ask the same question every time, add a page that answers it. After the event, you can add a last page about how it went.

Example social story: Going to the dentist

Here’s a complete example starring a made-up 3-year-old named Pip. In a real one, you’d swap in photos of your own child and the actual office.

An example story

Pip Goes to the Dentist

Paper Diorama

Today I am going to the dentist. The dentist helps keep my teeth strong. At the dentist, there is a big chair. Sometimes the chair tips back, slow and gentle, like a sleepy slide. The light is bright. I can wear the funny sunglasses. The dentist counts my teeth with a tiny round mirror. Sometimes it tickles. I can open wide like a lion. Roar! I can hold Bun-bun the whole time.

When the dentist is all done, I usually get a new toothbrush. Mama feels proud of me. I feel proud too. Then we go home.

Count the sentences and you’ll find three coaching sentences (“I can wear the funny sunglasses,” “I can open wide like a lion,” “I can hold Bun-bun the whole time”) against a dozen describing and perspective sentences. “Sometimes it tickles” prepares Pip for a feeling without promising it, and “usually get a new toothbrush” keeps the story true if this office hands out stickers instead. The lion roar gives a nervous toddler something fun to do with their open mouth.

More social stories to write for toddlers

Once you’ve written one, the format works for almost any new or hard moment:

• A new baby coming home. What newborns do, where the baby sleeps, what the big kid can help with. Our big sister and big brother books guide covers what to expect.
• Gentle hands with a friend. What happens when two kids want the same toy, what your child can say instead of hitting. See gentle hands: how to stop a toddler from hitting for the words to use.
• Starting daycare or preschool. Drop-off, the goodbye routine, who picks up.
• A haircut, a doctor’s visit, or a first plane ride.
• Big feelings. What your child can do when they feel mad or sad. Our toddler big feelings guide has phrases that fit well on a page.
• Bedtime. The steps of your routine, in order, ending with lights out.

Paper, phone photos, or a picture book

A homemade social story doesn’t need to be pretty. A few phone photos printed at the drugstore, one sentence under each, stapled or slipped into a small photo album, is a real social story. Some families keep them on a phone, which is handy in a waiting room.

We build Once Upon Us, which turns photos from your family’s real day into an illustrated picture book with a gentle lesson woven in, like being brave (see how lessons work). That’s a close cousin of a social story, with your own child as the hero. It’s still a storybook, though. If your child works with a therapist or a school team, follow their guidance on how social stories are written and used for your child.

What the research says

Social stories are widely used with autistic children, particularly in schools, and the research behind them is mixed. A large number of case studies report improvements in the specific behavior a story targets, and a 2020 pilot randomized trial found that children whose stories were delivered on a tablet improved on their target behaviors compared with a control group, with gains holding six weeks later (Hanrahan et al.). At the same time, systematic reviews and meta-analyses find major inconsistencies across studies, which the trial’s authors link partly to stories not being written and used the way Gray describes, and they keep calling for better-controlled research (Hanrahan et al.).

For a parent, the practical takeaway is modest: a well-written social story is cheap, gentle and easy to try. Watch how your child responds. If it calms them, keep it. If it doesn’t, you’ve lost an evening of stapling.

Sources

• Social Stories and What is a Social Story?, Carol Gray
• How to Use Social Stories to Teach Your Child New Skills and Expectations, National Center for Pyramid Model Innovations (Backpack Connection Series)
• How to write a social story, Nottinghamshire Healthcare NHS Foundation Trust
• A Pilot Randomised Control Trial of Digitally-Mediated Social Stories for Children on the Autism Spectrum, Hanrahan et al., Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders (2020)

Picky eating in toddlers is common, usually temporary, and rarely your fault. What helps is unexciting and it works slowly: offer small amounts of new foods again and again without pressure, always include one food your child already eats, eat together, and let them decide how much to eat. Most toddlers need somewhere between 8 and 15 tries before a new food is accepted (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia).

Picture books help in a quieter way. A toddler can watch a character sniff, poke and finally taste something new with nothing at stake, then do the same at dinner. Below is the plan, what to say at the table, ten picky eater books sorted by age, and when picky eating is worth a call to the pediatrician.

Why toddlers get picky

Refusing new foods is a normal stage of development. In a large UK study of children followed from birth, the share of picky eaters rose through the toddler years and peaked around age 3 (about 15% at 38 months), then eased off (Taylor and Emmett). The review of that research notes that picky eating generally resolves with little or no intervention.

Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia makes the same point from the clinic side: most picky eating can’t be explained by poor parenting, and many picky eaters have brothers and sisters who eat just fine. Some kids seem to come into the world more cautious about new foods (CHOP).

That takes the pressure off tonight’s dinner. Over months, you’re building a table where new foods show up often and nobody fights about them.

The no-pressure plan

You choose the food; they choose how much

The idea is often called the division of responsibility, from dietitian Ellyn Satter. The adult decides what food is offered, when and where. The child decides whether to eat it and how much (Ellyn Satter Institute). The AAP’s version is short: it’s a parent’s responsibility to provide food, and the child’s decision to eat it (HealthyChildren.org).

In practice, that means you don’t cook a second dinner when the first one is refused, and you don’t count bites either.

Offer new foods small and often

CHOP’s Picky Eaters Clinic says it takes 8 to 15 exposures before a child accepts a new food, and that parents typically give up after 3 to 5 (CHOP). The AAP gives a similar range and adds that some foods take 15 to 20 tries (HealthyChildren.org, HealthyChildren.org).

So put one or two pieces of the new food on the plate, not a heap, and do it again next week. Serve it a different way sometimes: roasted, raw, in a sauce, cut into sticks.

Always include one safe food

The AAP suggests including at least one food your child likes at every meal (HealthyChildren.org). Bread, rice, a fruit they love. Knowing there’s something safe on the plate lowers the stakes of everything else.

Come to the table hungry

CHOP recommends about two hours between snacks and meals, and an hour between drinks (including milk) and meals (CHOP). A toddler who has been grazing all afternoon has little reason to try anything.

Skip bribes and dessert deals

“Two more bites and you get a cookie” teaches that the vegetable is the price and the cookie is the prize. The AAP says bribing with treats can make the prize food even more exciting (HealthyChildren.org), and the research review above suggests non-food rewards if you want to celebrate trying (Taylor and Emmett).

Eat it yourself, together

Toddlers copy. The AAP recommends family meals, without screens, where you eat the foods you’d like them to try (HealthyChildren.org). In the UK study, parents’ healthy eating when a child was 1 predicted how many vegetables the child ate at 2 (Taylor and Emmett).

Let them help

Choosing a vegetable at the store, rinsing berries, tearing lettuce, stirring. The AAP suggests involving kids in picking and preparing food (HealthyChildren.org), and toddlers are far more curious about something they washed themselves.

Count the small steps

Looking at a new food, touching it, smelling it, licking it and spitting it into a napkin all count as progress. Say so out loud. Your toddler may need to do the earlier steps a few times before putting anything in their mouth.

What to say at the table

And a few to retire: “Just one bite,” “Clean your plate,” “No dessert until you eat your peas,” and “You liked this yesterday.” Each one turns dinner into a negotiation, which is the pressure the research says to avoid.

Picky eater books for toddlers

In these picture books, food is the fun part and nobody gets a lecture. Read them at any time of day, not only at meals.

For 1- to 3-year-olds

• Lunch by Denise Fleming. A very hungry mouse eats his way through a big, colorful lunch. Great for naming foods and colors together.
• Rah, Rah, Radishes! A Vegetable Chant by April Pulley Sayre. A bouncy rhyming chant about vegetables that’s fun to say out loud.
• Eating the Alphabet by Lois Ehlert. An alphabet tour of fruits and vegetables, from apricot and artichoke to yam and zucchini. Good for pointing and naming, and for picking something to find at the store.
• Daniel Tries a New Food by Becky Friedman. Mom Tiger makes two new foods for a dinner guest, Daniel isn’t sure, and he learns to try because it might taste good. Daniel Tiger fans may recognize the line.

For 3- to 5-year-olds

• Little Pea by Amy Krouse Rosenthal, illustrated by Jen Corace. Little Pea hates eating candy for dinner, but he has to finish it before he gets his spinach for dessert. The flip makes kids laugh, which takes the edge off.
• I Will Not Ever Never Eat a Tomato by Lauren Child. Big brother Charlie gets fussy Lola to try foods by giving them wonderful made-up names. Parents tend to borrow the trick.
• Bread and Jam for Frances by Russell Hoban. Frances only wants bread and jam, until she gets it for the sixth meal in two days. A gentle classic about how “only this” gets boring.
• Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss. Sam-I-Am will not stop asking, and the ending is a happy surprise. Kids love it, but read the pestering as part of the joke, not as a technique.

For 4 and up

• Gregory, the Terrible Eater by Mitchell Sharmat. Gregory is a goat who refuses shoes and tin cans and wants fruit, vegetables and eggs instead. The role reversal is the fun.
• The Seven Silly Eaters by Mary Ann Hoberman. Each of seven children wants one special dish, their mother wears herself out cooking them all, and the kids come up with a surprise. Rhyming and funny, and quietly sympathetic to the cook.

A story to rehearse trying something new

The books above star other kids. A story starring your own child can rehearse the exact step you’re working on. Here’s a short example with two made-up kids, Pip (3) and Wren (2), and a new food.

An example story

Wren’s Tiny Taste

Sunlit Gouache

Something new was on Wren’s plate. Orange. Soft. Warm. “That’s sweet potato,” said Papa. Wren looked. Pip sniffed. Sniff, sniff! “It smells like cake,” said Pip. Wren poked it with one finger. Squish! She licked her finger. A tiny taste. “Hmm,” said Wren. “I tried it!” Look, sniff, poke, tiny taste. Papa smiled. “You tried something new.” And that was the whole job.

Nobody in the story has to like the food. The win is the tiny taste, and the repeatable line (“look, sniff, poke, tiny taste”) gives a toddler a script to follow at the real table. Once Upon Us can weave a trying-new-foods lesson into a picture book built from your family’s own day (see how lessons work), and a hand-drawn version works too: draw the food, write the steps, and let your child be the hero. For more on building a story around one real situation, see our guide to writing a social story.

If dinner battles are spilling over into meltdowns, our guide to toddler big feelings has scripts for the moment itself.

When to talk to your pediatrician

Most picky eating is a phase. It’s worth a call to your child’s doctor if you notice:

• Your child isn’t gaining weight, is losing weight, or their doctor has mentioned their growth.
• Frequent choking, gagging, coughing or spitting food out while eating, or holding food in their cheeks.
• A very short list of accepted foods that keeps getting shorter, or foods they used to eat being dropped.
• Extreme distress around meals or at the sight of certain foods.
• A sudden, large drop in eating or drinking, for example after a choking scare.

This list draws on Nationwide Children’s Hospital and CHOP.

These are among the signs pediatric feeding specialists list for a feeding disorder, which is different from ordinary pickiness and is treatable. And if you’re simply worried whether your child is getting enough nutrients, the AAP’s advice is to ask (HealthyChildren.org). Your pediatrician can check their growth and help you troubleshoot.

Sources

• 10 Tips for Parents of Picky Eaters, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• How do I help my picky eater try more healthy foods?, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Feeding a Picky Eater: The Do’s and Don’ts, Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia
• Picky eating in children: causes and consequences, Taylor and Emmett, Proceedings of the Nutrition Society
• The Satter Division of Responsibility in Feeding, Ellyn Satter Institute
• Pediatric Feeding Disorder: Symptoms, Diagnosis and Treatment, Nationwide Children’s Hospital
• Book details checked against Open Library catalog records

The best potty training books are short, matter-of-fact and a little funny, and they work best when you start reading them a few weeks before you start training. The AAP recommends reading children’s books about using the toilet to help the process make sense and seem inviting and exciting (HealthyChildren.org). A book can do something your reminders can’t: show your child every step, in order, happening to someone else first.

Below are eleven books worth knowing, grouped by what they’re good for, followed by how to use them before and during training, what to skip, and when to check in with your pediatrician.

How to choose a potty book for your child

There isn’t one best potty training book. There’s the one your child asks for. A few things help you pick:

• Age. Two-year-olds do best with board books, flaps and very few words. Three-year-olds can follow a picture book with a plot and a joke.
• Temperament. A child who resists will often go for a funny book about someone else resisting. An anxious child usually does better with calm, matter-of-fact facts.
• The words your family uses. The AAP suggests choosing positive words your family will use for body parts, pee and poop (HealthyChildren.org). Books vary a lot here, from anatomical terms to “potty” and “wee-wee.” Preview before you read it aloud, and swap words as you go if you like.
• What trips your child up. Some books focus on noticing the feeling, some on leaving play, some on accidents, some on using a bathroom away from home. Pick the one that matches the sticking point.

The best potty training books

For young toddlers: board books and flaps

Potty by Leslie Patricelli. A board book in which Baby debates whether to use the potty, with a lot of physical comedy and a big “I did it!” at the end. Few words, bold pictures, and the inner debate gives kids something to shout along with (Apple Books). A good first potty book.

P Is for Potty! by Naomi Kleinberg, illustrated by Christopher Moroney. A Sesame Street lift-the-flap board book in which Elmo explains how to use the potty. The publisher describes it as being for ages 1 to 3, with more than 30 sturdy flaps, and suggests it for while children practice sitting on the potty (Penguin Random House). Flaps buy you time on the seat.

A Potty for Me! by Karen Katz. A lift-the-flap book told from the child’s point of view. The child isn’t ready at first and would rather play, has an accident, tries a few times without luck, and finally cheers, “Yeah! I really did it!” (Publishers Weekly). Her mother stays encouraging throughout (Bookroo). Because the accident is just part of the story, it’s especially useful once training has started.

Where’s the Poop? by Julie Markes, illustrated by Susan Kathleen Hartung. A lift-the-flap book showing that animals each have a place to poop, from tigers in the jungle to monkeys in the rain forest, and that children have one too (Children’s Book World). Gentle and good for kids who like finding things.

Diapers Are Not Forever by Elizabeth Verdick, illustrated by Marieka Heinlen. A board book from the Best Behavior series that walks through why and how to use the potty in simple words: go, wipe, flush, wash your hands. The tone is encouraging rather than pushy, and there are tips for parents in the back (Elizabeth Verdick).

Daniel Goes to the Potty by Maggie Testa, illustrated by Jason Fruchter. A Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood board book with the show’s little potty song (“When you have to go potty, stop and go right away. Flush and wash and be on your way!”) and a button that plays a flushing sound, so the noise gets familiar before it’s real (Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood Archive). Great for Daniel fans, and the song is handy for kids who don’t want to stop playing.

For 3-year-olds and picture-book fans

Once Upon a Potty by Alona Frankel. The classic, first published in Hebrew in 1975 and in English in 1980, with separate editions for boys (Joshua) and girls (Prudence). It walks through the parts of a toddler’s body in plain, child-friendly terms, then follows the child learning to use a new potty (Wikipedia). It’s frank about bodies, so preview it to see whether its words suit your family.

Time to Pee! by Mo Willems. A crew of mice with signs guides the reader through every step: noticing you need to go, leaving your toys, peeing, washing your hands, and coming back to find your toys right where you left them (Goodreads). That last part answers a real toddler worry. The book comes with a success chart and stickers, which you can use or skip (Wikipedia).

Dinosaur vs. the Potty by Bob Shea. Dinosaur takes on lemonade, a sprinkler, puddles and a three-juice-box lunch, declaring victory each time without needing the potty, until his victory dance turns into a potty dance. Big, simple pictures and loud, funny text (Kirkus Reviews). A gentle mirror for kids who hold it because they don’t want to stop playing.

Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi. A matter-of-fact picture book about how every animal eats, so every animal poops, including people. It was written to take the shame and embarrassment out of the subject (Kane Miller, Wikipedia). Good for kids who are nervous about pooping.

I Want My Potty! by Tony Ross. The first Little Princess book. The princess hates nappies, thinks the royal potty is even worse at first, and soon learns to love it, even if it isn’t always where she needs it. British humor and a palace full of people rushing to help (BookTrust, Goodreads).

When to start reading potty books

Start before you start training. A few weeks of reading, with no expectations attached, lets your child get curious on their own terms.

For timing the training itself, the AAP says children usually show signs of bladder and bowel control between 18 and 24 months, that the average age to begin in the US is between 2 and 3, and that most children are bowel and bladder trained by 4 (HealthyChildren.org). Signs your child may be ready include:

• Staying dry for at least two hours during the day, or after naps
• Showing signs before peeing or pooping, like grunting, squatting or freezing
• Following simple instructions
• Walking to the bathroom and helping to undress
• Disliking wet diapers
• Asking to use the toilet, or asking for “big-kid” underwear (HealthyChildren.org)

The AAP also suggests waiting if your family is moving, expecting or recently welcomed a baby, or going through a major change (HealthyChildren.org). If a new sibling is on the way, our post on big sister and big brother books covers that transition.

How to use potty books before and during training

Before you start, read them like any other book, not as a lesson. Leave one next to the potty chair. The AAP suggests a child-sized potty chair where feet touch the floor, and books or toys can make sitting there more fun (HealthyChildren.org). Point out the steps in the pictures without asking your child to do them yet.

Once training starts, read the book that matches where your child is stuck. If they won’t leave their trains, read Time to Pee! or Dinosaur vs. the Potty. If they had an accident today, read A Potty for Me! A short routine helps too. The AAP suggests regular potty times, especially first thing in the morning (HealthyChildren.org), and a last potty before bed fits naturally into a toddler bedtime routine.

Expect accidents. The AAP notes that they can continue for months after training seems complete, even at 3 or 4 (HealthyChildren.org), and that children learn best when they’re praised for progress rather than punished for mistakes. When your child has an accident, say you’re sure they’ll do better next time and ask them to help you clean up (HealthyChildren.org).

When it goes well, make the praise specific. The AAP’s example is “I am so proud you are able to use the toilet so well” (HealthyChildren.org).

What to avoid

The AAP is direct about this. Children control when and where they pee and poop, so power struggles, begging, pleading, rewarding and punishing keep them from managing their own toileting (HealthyChildren.org). Its advice is to avoid treats and punishments, stay calm, and keep your child in charge of their own body (HealthyChildren.org).

Skip books that shame, tease or make a big show of failure, and don’t read potty books as a warning (“Remember what happened to Dinosaur?”). Watch for fears too. The AAP notes that some children worry the toilet will suck them in or take a part of them away, and suggests letting them control the flushing (HealthyChildren.org).

A potty story to read together

Here’s a short potty story in the style of the app, starring two made-up kids:

An example story

Pip Listens to His Body

Sunlit Gouache

Pip was building a road for his red truck. Vroom, vroom! Then his tummy said, wiggle-wiggle.

Pip stopped. He listened. “My body says potty time.”

He left his truck right where it was. Down the hall he went, Bear under his arm. Step, step, step.

“Go, Pip, go!” called Wren.

Pip went potty. Flush! Whoosh! He washed his hands, rub-a-dub, bubbles and all.

Then back down the hall to his truck, right where he left it. “I listened to my body,” said Pip.

And he did a happy dance. Wren danced too. Wiggle-wiggle, whoosh, hooray!

It shows the steps in order, gives your child a phrase to repeat (“My body says potty time”), treats leaving play as no big deal because the truck is still there, and ends on pride rather than a prize. You’ll also notice the pictures stay in the hallway. Our stories keep children out of bathroom scenes on purpose, and the story works fine without them. Potty time is one of the lessons Once Upon Us can weave into a book about your child’s own day.

Regression, and when to call your pediatrician

Plenty of children who seemed trained go backward for a while. The AAP lists common causes: a change in childcare, a new sibling or pregnancy, a major illness, a move, stress at home, and medical issues like constipation, painful bowel movements or a urinary tract infection. Because regression sometimes signals an infection or another problem that needs treatment, the AAP suggests checking with your pediatrician first. It also notes that regression usually doesn’t last long (HealthyChildren.org).

Talk to your pediatrician if your child has pain when peeing or pooping, seems constipated, or has frequent accidents at 3 that aren’t getting less frequent. The AAP notes that quite frequent accidents in a 3-year-old, especially when they aren’t diminishing, may signal a physical or developmental problem worth checking (HealthyChildren.org).

Big feelings can come with all of this. If potty time has turned into a daily standoff, our guide to toddler big feelings has words that help in the moment.

Sources

• The Right Age to Potty Train, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Potty Training: 12 Tips to Keep the Process Positive, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Potty Training Regression, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Are Accidents Normal or the Sign of a Problem in the Toilet Training Process?, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Everyone Poops, Kane Miller Books
• P Is for Potty! (Sesame Street), Penguin Random House
• Daniel Goes to the Potty, The Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood Archive
• A Potty for Me!, Publishers Weekly
• Time to Pee!, Wikipedia
• Dinosaur vs. the Potty, Kirkus Reviews
• Once Upon a Potty, Wikipedia
• Diapers Are Not Forever (board book), Elizabeth Verdick
• I Want My Potty!, BookTrust
• I Want My Potty!, Goodreads
• Create a Potty Training Plan for Your Child, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Potty, Apple Books
• A Potty for Me!, Bookroo
• Where’s the Poop?, Children’s Book World
• Time to Pee!, Goodreads
• Everyone Poops, Wikipedia

These are three short, original bedtime stories written for 2- and 3-year-olds. Each takes about two minutes to read aloud. They use short sentences, a phrase that repeats, something for your child to do, and an ending that gets quieter until someone falls asleep.

They star Pip, who is 3, and his sister Wren, who is 2. Pip and Wren are made up, so swap in your own child’s name, a sibling or a favorite stuffed animal. After the stories there’s a short section on what makes a bedtime story work for toddlers and how to read one aloud.

1. Where Does Everybody Sleep?

A gentle look around the garden at dusk, with a question your child can ask along with Wren.

A bedtime story to read tonight

Where Does Everybody Sleep?

Hedgerow

The sun was going down over the garden. Pip held the lantern. Wren held Pip’s hand.

“Where does everybody sleep?” asked Wren.

Down by the pond, Mother Duck tucked her ducklings under her wing. Quack, quack… quiet. “The ducks sleep on the pond,” said Pip.

By the old stone wall, a rabbit gave one last hop, right into her burrow. “The rabbit sleeps under the ground,” said Wren.

Then, under the hedge, something rustled. A little hedgehog was pushing leaves into a pile. Push, push, pat. She turned around three times and curled up into a round, prickly ball.

“The hedgehog sleeps in the leaves,” whispered Pip.

The first star came out. The breeze went hush.

“Where do we sleep?” asked Wren, with a very big yawn.

Pip smiled. “In our beds.”

So home they went. Up the path, in the door, and into their beds. Ducks on the pond. Rabbit in the ground. Hedgehog in the leaves. And Pip and Wren, snug and warm, fast asleep.

Your child can answer the question each time: “on the pond,” “under the ground,” “in the leaves.” By the end they know the pattern, and the last answer is theirs.

2. Button Can’t Sleep

A story about putting someone else to bed, which is often easier for a toddler than being put to bed.

A bedtime story to read tonight

Button Can’t Sleep

Felt & Wool

It was bedtime, but Button the bear could not sleep.

“Button is wiggly,” said Wren.

So Wren did what grown-ups do.

She gave Button a tiny sip of water. Sip.

She sang Button a tiny song. La, la, loo.

She tucked his blanket up to his chin. Tuck, tuck.

Then she gave him three soft pats. Pat, pat, pat. “Sleepy bear,” she said.

Button’s eyes stayed open.

Wren thought hard. What else do sleepy bears need?

“Oh,” she said. “You need a cuddle.”

She lay down next to Button and put her arm around him. The lamp was low. The house was quiet. Pat, pat, pat. “Sleepy bear,” she whispered.

Button yawned a tiny yawn. Wren yawned a big one.

Button’s eyes closed. And Wren’s eyes closed too.

When Mama peeked in, there were two sleepy bears in one little bed.

Pat your child’s back three times on “pat, pat, pat.” Your child may start doing the pats too, on you or on their own stuffed animal.

3. The Night Train

A counting story that slows down as it goes, for kids who love trains.

A bedtime story to read tonight

The Night Train

Moonlit

Chuff… chuff… chuff. Here comes the night train, slow and low over the hills.

At the first stop, three sleepy sheep climbed aboard. Baa, baa, yawn. They snuggled under a blanket.

At the next stop, two sleepy owls fluttered on. Hoo, hoo, yawn. They tucked their heads under their wings.

At the last stop, two sleepy children climbed on in their pajamas. Pip and Wren. They waved to one big moon. The moon glowed back.

Chuff… chuff… The train went slower. Over the hill. Past the pond. Round the bend.

“Goodnight, sheep,” whispered Wren. Three sheep, fast asleep.

“Goodnight, owls,” whispered Pip. Two owls, fast asleep.

The train went slower… and slower… and stopped.

Last stop: bed.

And the two sleepy children? Shh. Fast asleep.

Read the “chuff… chuff” slower each time, and let your voice drop to a whisper by the last stop. Toddlers match your pace more than you’d think.

What makes a good bedtime story for a toddler

Most picture books aren’t written for the last five minutes of the day. A few things make the difference.

The first is repetition. A phrase that comes back (“Where does everybody sleep?”, “Pat, pat, pat”) gives a toddler something to hold on to and, eventually, something to say. ZERO TO THREE notes that hearing a story over and over helps toddlers learn the sound, meaning, rhythm and tone of words, and that young children need to hear a story many times to fully understand it (ZERO TO THREE).

Keep the world small and familiar: gardens, beds, trains, stuffed animals. Toddlers are still sorting out their own day, and a bedtime story that stays close to it is easier to follow and less likely to wind them up.

Give your child something to do, like answering the question, counting the sheep or doing the pats. ZERO TO THREE points out that it’s perfectly normal for toddlers not to sit still for long, and suggests stories with repeated phrases and books that invite participation to help hold their attention (ZERO TO THREE).

Let the ending get quieter. Good bedtime stories start with a little energy and wind down, with shorter sentences near the end and characters settling one by one. Someone falls asleep, and the child in the story is last. That arc does some of the work of your bedtime routine for you.

And keep it short. Two or three minutes is plenty. You can always read it again, and they will ask.

How to read bedtime stories aloud

Reading belongs in the routine itself. The AAP and Reach Out and Read built a program around exactly that, called Brush, Book, Bed: brush teeth, read a book, go to bed at a regular time (Reach Out and Read, HealthyChildren.org). HealthyChildren.org suggests setting aside 10 to 20 minutes with the TV off for sharing books as part of your regular bedtime routine with 2- and 3-year-olds (HealthyChildren.org). A few things that help:

• Slow down on every page. Pause before the repeated line and let your child fill it in.
• Get quieter as you go. Normal voice for the first page, softer in the middle, a whisper at the end.
• Talk about the pictures. Point at the hedgehog. Ask where the owls are. The AAP’s advice is to respond with enthusiasm to your child’s questions and comments (HealthyChildren.org).
• Read the same one again. When the book closes and they say “again!”, that’s a good sign. Decide ahead of time how many readings you’ll do tonight.
• Let them move a little. A toddler holding a stuffed animal or doing the pats is still listening.

For 2-year-olds

Let them choose the book, even if it’s the same one as last night. Keep it to one short story or a few pages of a longer one. Name things in the pictures and repeat their words back with a little more added: “Duck! Yes, a sleepy duck on the pond.” HealthyChildren.org suggests enjoying the same book over and over and expanding on your child’s words (HealthyChildren.org).

For 3-year-olds

Three-year-olds can start to tell the story back to you. Ask them to tell you about the pictures, try “Can you find the moon?”, or stop before the last line and let them finish it. HealthyChildren.org suggests having 3-year-olds retell familiar stories in their own words and pointing out colors, shapes and numbers (HealthyChildren.org).

Why we put the child in the story

When the kid in the story has your child’s name, their stuffed rabbit or their big sister, the story becomes theirs. That’s the idea behind Once Upon Us: it turns photos from a day you loved into a picture book starring your own kids, reads it aloud, and answers when they shout “again!”. You don’t need an app for the core of it, though. Say your child’s name where it says Pip, and these stories are already theirs.

If there’s a particular skill you’re working on, a story can help rehearse it too. We’ve written about using social stories for toddlers to prepare for new things, and about potty training books that make the whole business less mysterious.

On screens: the AAP puts print books first for young children, because its experts say touchscreens don’t offer the same interactivity and relationship-building as turning real pages together (HealthyChildren.org). These stories work fine printed out or told from memory in the dark.

Sources

• How to Share Books with Children 2 and 3 Years Old, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Beyond Literacy: Shared Reading Starting at Birth Offers Lifelong Benefits, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Brush, Book, Bed: How to Structure Your Child’s Nighttime Routine, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Brush, Book, Bed: The Best Bedtime Routine, Reach Out and Read
• Supporting Language and Literacy Skills from 12–24 Months, ZERO TO THREE
• Does My Toddler Have a Short Attention Span Because She Won’t Sit Still for a Story?, ZERO TO THREE

Tantrums are a normal part of being a toddler. The American Academy of Pediatrics says they’re most common between ages 1 and 3 and tend to get better after 3 (HealthyChildren.org). In the moment, your job is to stay steady, give the feeling a name, and hold whatever limit started it. Later, you help your child find the words to use next time.

Big feelings don’t go away as children grow. What changes is that they learn to say “I’m mad!” instead of throwing the cup, and you can start teaching that now.

What’s happening in a toddler meltdown

ZERO TO THREE, the early-childhood nonprofit, lists a few reasons toddlers fall apart. They don’t always have the words to tell you how they feel. Their brains can’t yet “put on the brakes.” And they’re in a huge leap toward independence, which means wanting to do things they can’t do yet (ZERO TO THREE).

The usual triggers are easy to predict and hard to avoid: hunger, tiredness, a transition (“Time to leave the park”), a “no,” a sock that feels wrong. The AAP suggests carrying a snack if tantrums peak when your child is hungry and protecting sleep if they peak when your child is tired (HealthyChildren.org).

Temperament matters too. The AAP notes that personality shows up in tantrums, so some children have bigger, louder ones than their siblings did (HealthyChildren.org). An intense tantrum doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.

What to expect at 2, 3 and 4

• Around 2, children notice when others are upset and look at your face to see how to react (CDC). Your calm is information for them.
• Around 2½, a typical child says about 50 words (CDC). “Mad” may not be one of them yet, which is part of why the feeling comes out as a scream.
• Around 3, children can hold a short back-and-forth conversation (CDC), so you can start to talk about what happened once things are calm.
• Around 4, many children comfort others who are hurt or sad and can tell you about something from their day (CDC).

During the storm

Get calm yourself first

This one is hard, and it matters most. ZERO TO THREE’s advice is to keep yourself calm and present in the face of the tantrum (ZERO TO THREE). They call this co-regulation: young children don’t learn to regulate by being told to “calm down,” they learn by being calmed with (ZERO TO THREE). Lower your voice, slow your breathing, get down to their level.

Name the feeling in a few words

Give the feeling a name without arguing with it. ZERO TO THREE’s example: “You’re mad the block tower fell down. That makes sense” (ZERO TO THREE).

Short is better. A child in the middle of a meltdown can’t follow a paragraph.

Hold the limit, kindly

Naming the feeling doesn’t mean giving in. ZERO TO THREE describes it as honoring your child’s feelings while holding the limit (ZERO TO THREE).

Offer a small choice

The AAP suggests giving your child control over little things during a tantrum, with small choices rather than yes-or-no questions (HealthyChildren.org).

Don’t let hitting slide

You can wait out yelling and flopping. The AAP says not to ignore hitting, kicking, biting or throwing (HealthyChildren.org). Block the hand, keep everyone safe, and use one short line. Our guide to gentle hands and toddler hitting walks through it.

Let it pass, then reconnect

When nobody is in danger, the AAP’s advice is to stay calm and let the tantrum run its course, then comfort your child (HealthyChildren.org). ZERO TO THREE suggests a cozy corner with a pillow, a blanket and a stuffed animal where you sit together, and turning slow breathing into a game: “Let’s blow our big feelings out,” taking turns with bubbles (ZERO TO THREE).

After the storm: build the words for next time

ZERO TO THREE notes that toddlers don’t have all the words they need to share their thoughts and feelings (ZERO TO THREE). You can give them those words in calm moments, a few at a time.

Start small. Happy, sad, mad, scared, tired. Make the face, say the word, and let your child copy you in the mirror. Add frustrated, disappointed and excited later.

Name your own feelings out loud. “I feel frustrated. This lid is stuck. I’m going to take a big breath.” The AAP lists controlling your own temper, and showing your child how to handle anger calmly, as one of its tips (HealthyChildren.org).

Talk about it later, briefly. At bath time or bedtime: “You were so mad at the park. You yelled. Then we did bubble breaths. Next time you can say ‘I’m mad!’” You’re telling your child the story of their own feeling, with a better ending.

Head off the predictable ones. Give warnings before transitions, offer choices, and keep an eye on snacks and naps (ZERO TO THREE). A lot of tantrums start before anyone notices.

Books about feelings for toddlers

ZERO TO THREE suggests reading feelings books side by side, pointing to the characters’ faces and talking about what they feel (ZERO TO THREE). A few good ones:

• Big Feelings by Alexandra Penfold, illustrated by Suzanne Kaufman. A group of kids work through the feelings that come up when a plan falls apart (Penguin Random House). There’s also a board book edition for younger toddlers.
• The Color Monster: A Story About Emotions by Anna Llenas. A little monster’s feelings are all mixed up, and sorting them into colors helps.
• In My Heart: A Book of Feelings by Jo Witek, illustrated by Christine Roussey. Gentle descriptions of what different feelings feel like inside, some light as a balloon, some heavy as an elephant (Abrams).
• When Sophie Gets Angry, Really, Really Angry... by Molly Bang. Sophie gets furious, runs outside, and slowly calms down. Better for 3s and 4s.

There’s some early evidence behind this. In a 2023 study in PLOS One, three-year-olds heard a picture book, read interactively, about a child who distracted herself while waiting for something she wanted. Once the researchers accounted for how much picture-book experience each child had, those children used distraction more in a later waiting task than children who read an unrelated book (Schoppmann et al., PLOS One). It’s one small study, but it suggests toddlers can pick up a calming strategy by watching a character use it.

Rehearse it at bedtime, in a story

The best time to practice “I’m mad!” is when nobody is. At bedtime your child is calm, close, and happy to hear a story again. A story where a character their size gets mad, says so, gets help, and ends up fine gives them the whole sequence to copy.

Here’s a short one starring two made-up kids, Pip (3) and his sister Wren (2):

An example story

Pip’s Big Mad

Paper Diorama

Rain, rain, rain. No park today. Pip’s face got hot. Stomp! Stomp! His mad was SO big. Wren watched with big eyes.

Pip took a breath. “I feel MAD!” he said. “I wanted the park!” Mama knelt down. “You’re mad. You wanted the park. I’m right here.” Together they blew the mad away. Whoooo. Whoooo.

Then Mama found the boots. Splish! Splash! SPLOOSH! “I feel happy!” said Pip. “Me too!” said Wren. Some days are rainy. Some feelings are big. And big feelings can get smaller.

Pip names the feeling himself (“I feel MAD!”), a grown-up names it back and stays close, the calming step is something a child can do (blowing it out), and the ending shows the feeling changing. After reading, you might ask, “What did Pip say when he was mad?” and let your child shout it. Once Upon Us can write a story like this around your own kids and a real day from your photos, with using words for big feelings as the lesson, and it reads itself aloud at bedtime. For more ideas on wind-down time, see our toddler bedtime routine guide.

When to talk to your pediatrician

Most tantrums are ordinary tantrums. The AAP’s advice is to talk with your pediatrician if you’re concerned about your child’s tantrums or behavior (HealthyChildren.org). For aggression specifically, the AAP adds warning signs like injuries to themselves or others, attacks on adults, or aggression that lasts more than a few weeks and feels unmanageable (HealthyChildren.org). It’s also worth raising if you’re worried about your child’s talking or understanding. The CDC’s free milestone checklists can help you bring specifics to the appointment (CDC).

Sources

• Top Tips for Surviving Tantrums, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• 10 Tips to Prevent Aggressive Behavior in Young Children, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Toddler Tantrums 101: Why They Happen and What You Can Do, ZERO TO THREE
• Toddler Tantrums and Meltdowns, ZERO TO THREE
• Your Calm Is Their Calm: Co-Regulation Strategies for Infants and Toddlers, ZERO TO THREE
• Milestones by 2 years, 30 months, 3 years and 4 years, CDC Learn the Signs. Act Early.
• The effect of picture book reading on young children’s use of an emotion regulation strategy, Schoppmann, Severin, Schneider and Seehagen, PLOS One (2023)